什么是相互依赖

明曲

Sanhia-什么是相互依赖

This question surfaced in a group several months ago, but now the time has come to respond to it. We will begin by talking about what is referred to as the special relationship in A Course in Miracles. The special relationship is a co-dependent relationship. Since most human relationships are special, they are in most cases co-dependent. If your mind wants to limit the term co-dependency to extreme or diagnosable relationships, it is aiming a bit high. But first, let Us step back and define the special relationship. It has been some time since we have mentioned this, and likely before many of you began reading the messages. In the special relationship one person wants the other to act in a specific way, to play a certain role. For example, you meet someone and they make you feel special; they make you feel loveable. Whatever it is that they do that makes you feel good or special, you want them to continue. This is co-dependency. You have a need for them to keep on doing those things that make you feel so wonderful. Normally in the special relationship this neediness goes both ways, but let’s just stay with you for now. There is a flip side to the co-dependent relationship. This is where the words or actions of someone you spend a bit of time with seem to cause you upset, pain, or negative emotions. You blame them for your negative reactions. You point the finger; You think you are going through what you are feeling because of them. This is a co-dependent relationship. Special relationships usually have a mix of both the positive and the negative triggers. As we have talked about recently, these liaisons involve projection. We have focused more on the negative aspect there, where you don’t wish to see yourself as having a certain quality so you can then convince yourself that it is the other and not you who is that way. This is co-dependency.
这个问题几个月前就在这个小组中浮现过，但现在回答它的时间已经成熟。我们先来谈谈奇迹课程中所谓的特殊关系。特殊关系是一个相互依赖的关系。因为大多数人类的关系是特殊的，它们在大多数情况下都是相互依赖的。如果你的头脑想要把相互依赖限定为极端的或者可诊断的关系，那么它的目标就有点高了。但首先，让我们后退一步，定义特殊关系。从我们上次提到它已经有段时间了，很可能在你们很多人开始阅读信息之前。在特殊关系中，一个人想要另一个人在特定的方式中行为，扮演特定的角色。比如，你遇见了某个人，他们让你感到你很特殊；他们让你感到你很可爱。无论他们做了什么让你感觉美好，你想要他们继续这么做。这就是互相依赖。你需要他们继续做那些让你感觉美好的事情。通常，在特殊关系中，这个需求是双向，但让我们现在只谈论你。这种相互依赖的关系也有着另一面。你花很多时间相处的那个人的话语和行为看似会惹你生气、导致你痛苦或其它负面的情绪。你把自己负面的反应归咎于他们。你指指点点。你认为你在经历这些感受都是因为他们。这是一种相互依赖的关系。特殊关系通常拥有积极的触发器以及消极的触发器。正如我们最近谈论的，这些联系涉及投射。我们越专注于消极的面向，而你不希望看到自己拥有某种品质，所以你就说服自己这是别人的问题，不是你的。这就是相互依赖

The projecting goes both ways, though. If you are unable to see yourself as loveable, you let another do that for you. The biggest problem here is that, as with all projections, deep inside you believe it isn’t true. You don’t love yourself or believe that you are deserving of love. Sooner or later your denial surfaces and you prove your partner to be wrong. You will not be able to continue performing for them and they will not be able to always act as you wish them to. It feels so good to have someone tell you that you are loveable, but you don’t really trust that. You begin to resent having to perform for them. You become upset if they change in any way or show you anything but unconditional acceptance. The honeymoon is over. The flame of your relationship was based on the other causing you to feel in a certain way, but now that has blown out. The things that used to turn you on begin to turn you off. This is the normal trajectory of the co-dependent relationship. If you doggedly hold on to the need for them to complete you, the battle will rage on and on. The negative aspects of projection may grow to exceed the positive ones. At this point you may decide to pull the plug. Since the problem is with the other, you have obviously picked wrongly. You seek another relationship. Until you give up co-dependency, reclaim your projections, and take responsibility for everything in your life as your creation, the new relationship will go through the same cycle. In despair somewhere along the way, you may decide to stay with the relationship you have, withdrawing from your partner and settling for feeling separate and unloved, deciding on some level that is all you are worth. Even then, there is still the possibility that you can stop looking to your partner for the love you want. The only solution, whether choosing fight or flight, is to come to the point of recognition that this isn’t working and it is time to try something else.
不过，这种投射是双向的。如果你无法视自己是可爱的，你会让对方替你去做。这里最大的问题就是，就像所有的投射，内心深处你相信它不是真的。你并不爱自己或者并不认为自己值得拥有爱。迟早你的否认会浮出水面，你会去证明你的伴侣是错的。你会无法继续为他们表演，他们也无法总是按照你希望的那样行为。能够有人来告诉你你是可爱的感觉起来很棒，但你并不真的相信你是可爱的。你开始讨厌不得不对他们进行表演。你变得不开心，如果他们发生了某些改变或者没有对你展现出无条件的接纳。蜜月结束了。你关系的火焰是基于对方会导致你在特定的方式中感受，但现在它已经熄灭。之前让你感到激情的东西开始让你感到厌恶。这是相互依赖的关系一个正常的轨迹。如果你固执地认为需要他们来完整你自己，战斗会愈演愈烈。投射的消极面向可能会超过积极的面向。在这个点，你可能会决定拔掉插头。因为问题与对方有关，你肯定认为自己选错人了。你寻求另一段关系。直到你放弃相互依赖，收回自己的投射，为你生活中的一切负责，因为它们是你的造物，新的关系会经历相同的周期。在绝望的时候，你可能决定保留你现有的关系，暂时离开你的伴侣，接受分离和不被爱的感觉，在某种程度上决定这就是你值得拥有的。即便如此，你依旧有可能停止向你的伴侣寻求你想要的爱。唯一的解决方案，无论是选择战斗还是逃跑，就是认识到这不奏效，是时候尝试别的东西

Sometimes in this special relationship you feel that you must take responsibility for the other. This often happens for parents, but it can just as well be a part of a committed relationship. Now you are doubly trapped because the bond is not only unfulfilling, but you have too much guilt to be able to leave. The other person needs you, or so you believe.
有时候在这个特殊的关系中你感到你必须为对方负责。这种情况经常发生在父母身上，但也可以是忠诚关系的一部分。现在你们两人都被困住了，因为联系不仅不令人满足，你对离开也持有太多的罪恶感。另一个人需要你，或者你是这么认为的

So, what is there beyond co-dependency? The relationship that is not marked by specialness can be called a holy relationship. In this association you have no desire for the other to be or do anything different from what they are now expressing. You accept them as they are. You love them without conditions. It is not possible to express unconditional love for another unless you are already doing that for yourself. When you are fully accepting yourself, you notice where you have guilt, where you are judging, where you are unkind to yourself, where you are experiencing strong emotions, and you commit to loving, accepting, and forgiving all of that. You take full responsibility for what you are thinking and feeling about yourself. You own your projections mirrored in those who trigger you. You do not allow these projections to go unchallenged. Remind yourself that this is you. This is what you are not wanting to face in yourself. Notice what you are holding to be true about yourself from both your own thoughts and from your projections and ask if those thoughts are really true. Work with all of that. Own it all. Take responsibility and sort through it. Look nowhere but within for the love you seek. Where you find this challenging, give it to Spirit, give it to God.
所以，除了相互依赖，还有什么？没有被特殊标记的关系可以被称为神圣的关系。在这种联系中，你并不渴望对方成为或做任何跟他们现在所表达的不一样的东西。你接纳他们的样子。你无条件地爱他们。除非你已经无条件地爱自己，你是无法对另一个人表达无条件的爱的。当你完全接纳自己，你注意到你在哪里持有罪恶感、在评判、在对自己不友善、在体验强烈的情感，并去致力于爱、接纳、宽恕这一切。为你对自己的想法和感受负责。承认那些触发你的人反映出了你的投射物。不要让那些投射物逍遥法外。提醒自己这就是你。这是你不想要去面对的。注意到你在从自己的想法和投射物中认为你对自己的看法是正确的，询问那些想法是否真的正确。去致力于这一切。负起责任，整顿一切。只向内寻找爱。在你发现有挑战的地方，把它交给圣灵和神

Let go of those thoughts. Don’t hold on to them or follow them. Don’t act from them. Notice them and move on. If the thoughts return, be willing to stare them in the face. Look deeply to see if there is indeed truth there. I know they are not true, but you must stay with them until you too know it. You are the Divine Child of God, made in the image of your Creator, an entity of love. That’s all you can be. Anything else you are holding on to is not the truth. It stems from the belief that you have separated from God. That is not possible. That is an illusion. That is the illusion. The holy relationship is your relationship with the Divine; it is only about unconditional love. The only function of the special relationship is to show you where you are co-dependent and not giving everything to God. It is an opportunity to recognize where you hold untruths about yourself so that you can realize your Oneness with God. Your relationships with others don’t exist in order for you to get something from them, but as places for you to give love. You have no need to be completed. You are whole. It is never about changing another or yourself. It is all about accepting the Divinity which is the truth of all.
放下那些想法。不要紧抓它们或跟随它们。不要基于它们行为。注意到它们并前进。如果想法返回，愿意去直面它们。深入观察，看看是否那里有着真理。我知道它们不是真的，但你必须与它们同在，直到你了解。你是神的孩子，按照造物主的样子被创造，因此是一个爱的存在。这是你可以成为的一切。其它你紧抓的都不是真理。它来自你与神分离的信念。这是不可能的。这是一个幻象。神圣的关系就是你与神的关系，它只是关于无条件的爱。特殊关系的唯一作用就是展示你你在哪里相互依赖，不把一切交给神。这是一个机会去认识到你在哪里保持着错误的自我观点，这样你可以认识到你与神的合一。你与他人的关系并不作为能够让你从他们那里得到什么的东西存在，而是作为你能够给予爱的地方存在。你没有变得完整的需求。你是完整的。这从未是关于改变别人或你自己。这是关于接纳神性，一切的真理

I want to remind you that co-dependency is not limited to the perceived negative aspects, to the places where you judge or feel yourself to be victim to another. It is just as significant with the things you perceive coming from others that you consider to be positive. When you know that you are love, created in the image of God, how can you have any need to hear that from another. The latter expression can only feel good to you, feel special, if you have doubts as to its veracity. Whether the reinforcement from others feels to be negative or positive, it is just a pointer to where you are holding yourself separate from God. Give silent thanks for the reminder, take it to heart, and go to work.
我想要提醒你，相互依赖并不局限于感知到的消极面向、你评判或感到自己是对方的受害者。这跟你感到从他人那里前来的积极事物一样重要。当你知道你就是爱，按照神的样子被创造，你如何需要从别人嘴中听到这一点。无论来自另一个人的强化剂是消极的还是积极的，它只是一个指针，表明你在哪里紧抓着与神分离的信念。默默地感谢提醒者，把它记在心里，去做工作

Over time you will find yourself unable to hold on to the praise of others. You will perhaps begin to doubt their sincerity. You decide they are just being nice or that they have ulterior motives, they want something from you. They’re buttering you up, “kissing your ass”. The bottom line is that you cannot receive from them something you don’t know to be true. If you know its truth, the praise is redundant. Otherwise, it may feel good for a moment but, like with any drug, the effect begins to wear off and you desire another hit. You start to do things to win other’s approval. Perhaps you do things to prove they are wrong in their praise. The bottom line is that you cannot receive from them something you don’t know to be true.
随着时间的推移，你会发现自己无法承受他人的赞美。你也许会开始怀疑他们诚意。你决定他们只是表面上友好或者他们别有用心。他们在拍你马屁。底线就是你无法从他们那里接收你不知道是否真实的东西。如果你知道真实情况，赞美会被驳回。否则，短时间内会感觉不错，但，就像任何的药物，效果开始消失，你渴望再来一剂。你开始做什么来赢得他人的认可。也许你会去证明他们的赞美是错误的。底线是你无法从他们那里接收你不知道是否真实的东西

If you know you are love, you will have nothing but love for others, no matter what they might say or do. As you are practicing loving yourself unconditionally, letting go of all guilt, judgment, self-hatred – think about loving others unconditionally. Have the intention to give love to everyone you meet, rather than looking for what you can get. See their Divinity. Look through their pretence at being human and unlovable. Observe the truth of them. Know they are doing the best they can and offer whatever you can to lighten their load. Have a holy relationship with everybody. Above all, have that with yourself, particularly when you are aware of its absence. Be kind, loving, and gentle to yourself and ask for Spirit to come help you release your personal will and surrender to the Will of God, Who only loves you.
如果你知道你是爱，你只会对他人充满爱，无论他们说或做什么。随着你练习无条件地爱自己，放下所有的罪恶感、评判、自我憎恨---思考无条件地爱他人。意图把爱给予你遇见的每个人，而不是看看你可以得到什么。看到他们的神性。看穿他们假装成为人类，假装为不可爱。看到他们的真理。知道他们在尽力而为，提供你可以提供的来减轻他们的负担。与每个人拥有神圣的关系。最重要的，与自己拥有，尤其当你意识到你没有的时候。善待自己，爱自己，请求圣灵来帮助你释放个人的意志，臣服于爱着你的神之意志

日期：2024年4月2日
来自：Michael Hersey
译者：NickChan